When a Triangle Turns into a Triangle.
Natural Triangulation and All its Complications.
Relationships triangulate continually. When one forms, something will inevitably break it apart, with one or more individuals entering or forming another triangle. What usually breaks a triangle is when one person in the group starts to feel left out or targeted by the others. This person sometimes gets blamed for conflicts within the trio or are a projection of jealousy, them having something the other two want. This is what we call “triangulation”. It can be very painful and distressing, sometimes even traumatic.
But why triangles and not quads, or any other number formation? Well, it is an odd numbers thing. Even numbered groups tend to pair off, (duo conflict is for another article). Like the old saying, “the odd man out” or “the third wheel”. I am not sure if this is human nature’s way of preserving the coupling dynamic.
When people want to prevent this from happening, or do it in a civil way, they use open, honest communication and boundaries. This makes it less hurtful and easier to accept. Sometimes the group agrees to become a “linear line”. This is when one person is in the center and keeps a relationship with the other two, but separately. This makes room for the others to avoid conflict with each other.
Boundaries in triangles can be tricky. They can be done, and they work. Boundaries can be individual and applied when interacting with the group or they can be united with all three holding them together. One form of united boundaries is the 2-1 boundary. This is when one person may actually be the source of the conflict, either intentional or unintentional, and the other two have to make a decision on how to respond to it. A united protective boundary serves to keep the group cohesive, not allowing anyone to interfere with the trio relationships. No matter what type, boundaries are a must in any relationship.
When things get complicated, the “triangulation rescue” may be applied. This is when one person does not know how to cope or “survive” the conflict, then asks for help from someone outside source. Usually, they want some form of intervention that deflects or deflates the conflict or the attention on them. A rescue can come from a friend outside the group, a mentor, family member who knows this triangle, or therapy with a therapist who is versed in these types of dynamics. This either helps the triangle stay intact or it leads to a breakup. When a rescue is evoked, one of these two scenarios will follow.
Not all social triangle behaviors are instinctual, some are learned. Many people who find themselves seeking individual therapy later in life, discover that a big source of their childhood trauma was result of parental triangulation. Meaning, parents instigating triangles among siblings. This traumatic experience usually included the parents fosters conflicts between the siblings. This can happen with any number count of siblings. Odd numbers usually make it worse. This is also a form of abuse that is almost always rationalized away or completely overlooked. Yet, the effects are enormous for the kids, leading to family estrangements in adulthood.
Pay attention to the triangles in your life. Awareness of them will help you navigate them better and allow the relationships to flourish.