Toxic Entitlement
The Over-Givers and The Over-Receivers
Dealing with an entitled person is never fun. It can be endlessly exhausting. It can leave you feeling “broke” and extremely manipulated. An interaction with them is full of traps, catch 22’s, collateral damage, and a ton of mixed messages. The key to navigating a situation where someone is coming at you with their sense of entitlement, is to learn how to respond to it. Sounds easy, huh? Not in the slightest!
First, we need to look at our relationship to entitled people. We need to learn why we feel the pressure to give to them to begin with. Usually there is a paradigm narrative going on. For you, the narratives are, “I am ok, when you are ok” and “I can so I should”. For them, they live by, “I am ok, when you make me ok” and “You can so you should”. Simple, yet very strong statements that are intrenched into each of your heads. The reason why these narratives develop boils down to the concepts of co-dependency and dependency. That will be a further in-depth article to follow. For now, we will stick to the entitled and the one to feed the entitled. Either way you term it, this is something that has developed for each of you from experiences in childhood.
In childhood, when a child grows up experiencing relational trauma (abuse, neglect, abandonment, criticism, or maybe not being the favorite kid), he/she/they will adopt one of two self-concepts. Either it will be “I am all good and you are all bad” (the dependent/entitled) or for the (co-dependent/giver) it will be “I am all bad and you are all good”. One grows up feeling “owed by others” and the other grows up feeling like he/she/they “owes everyone”. These two attract like a toxic yin and yang. This is the birth of the dynamic.
After you get over the initial shock of the demand, the urge to satisfy the need comes. The urge may stem from the sticky situation that was created to manipulate you to give, or it may stem from a lack of confidence in yourself if you are not giving. This is at its strongest when children are held as the pawns to get what the entitled person wants. This has a very damaging effect on children. Believe it or not, it is more damaging to kids when the entitled gets their way. Children need to see someone empowered take the reins of the situation. That is superhero modeling at its best! If not, it feeds the cycle of abuse that is the result of this dynamic, only to foster it to repeat in the next generation.
Taking control of the situation looks like this. Saying no to yourself first. Outlining what you are and are not willing or going to do. Boundaries are things you do to yourself; consequences are things we do to others. Example: Consequences are, “if you do not get your grades up, I will pull the plug on the wifi, video games, and cellphone.” Kids then go, “challenge accepted” and find every way to get around that. A boundary looks like this. When the bad grades come home, parent just pulls the plug on the wifi, video games, and cellphone. Kid comes running, “WTF mom! where is the wifi, video games, and cellphone?” Mom says, “I do not pay for wifi, video games, and cellphones when there are bad grades.” Kid then has the natural consequence rather that the threatened consequence to work for those things back. This is parenting at its finest!
Same applies to people who feel entitled. We must hold a boundary with what we are and are not willing to do for them. We cannot give in to persuasion. We need to show them we mean what we say and say when we mean. If the work needs to be done before the reward, then the work needs to be done before the reward. Even if they throw a adult temper tantrum, that is something we need to allow ourselves to objectively look at as “them”. Stand back and let them “fit” to their hearts content. They are resource seeking, point blank. Giving in only solidifies the behavior and entrenches the concept that they can “get” from you.
Entitled people do live with the concept that they world owes them, in every way. They usually expect full “life support” if they can get it, (money, deed, and emotional support) Co-dependent people live with the idea that they owe everyone else. Usually, co-dependents have the ability to flip that mindset better than entitled (dependent) people. This is why the focus is on how to change the response of the giver. Punishing an entitled person usually never works.
Confronting, challenging, or punishing an entitled person usually results in an endless temper tantrum. If cooperation is what you are looking for, you will not get it. Equally as ineffective, is giving in. If you give in, the entitled person will just keep coming back for more, never being satiated. This puts the giver in an endless loop of giving and feeling victimized by their own behavior; looking at the entitled person as the bad guy for taking, all the while, it is being given! What works is validating the need they are expressing, then immediately stating an “I statement” of what you will or will not do, then “period send”. Nothing else needs to be said. Do not leave any wiggle room for debate. If you give them any rationalization, defending, or explaining, they will use that as a tool to manipulate you back into “why” you need to give them what they want.
There can be a lot of pain in making these changes in approach. Remember, this is a behavior of giving you learned in your own experience of dysfunction growing up. It can take a lot of painful work to flip this in you. One of the most memorable things my mentor has ever said to me was “Tera, it only takes one person to hold the boundary”. It is our responsibility to protect ourselves and our resources. Once we understand the power is in us, the battle is mostly won. WE change when we are aware. We also change WHAT we are aware of.
No AI was used in this or any of my other writing. All content is my own, including wisdoms and biases.